(Jan 19-25)(Disappointed in Atlanta)

Good morning my friend,

It has taken me so long to post the entry for week 4 because I had to get over being disappointed in myself.  On Friday, January 24th I had to go to Atlanta, GA for weekend training.  I have known about this training for quite some time now so you would think I would have taken the liberty of going on my me date earlier in the week.  I did not. Friday night I am sitting in my hotel room and I am just beating myself up for letting life get in the way so early in my journey.  Week 4 is not the week to already start standing myself up.  You may be thinking 'but you were in Atlanta, just go out and do something.'  Two things, first: our training and our accommodations were located at the beautiful Westin Atlanta Airport, which happens to look as if it is smack dab in the middle of a neighborhood you do not want to be lost in, in the middle of the night, all by yourself, as an out-of-towner. 

Second, I hate Atlanta.  I know, I know "HOW CAN YOU HATE ATLANTA?!" I get it all of the time. I don't do well with traffic (i.e., I suffer from a small case of road rage), I do not like crowds, I do not like being around a large number of people and those are things I did not need this journey to figure out about myself. I like small, intimate gatherings.  There is nothing small or intimate about Atlanta, Georgia.

I digress.

The point is, my friend, I did not go on a date for week 4. I am disappointed in myself but not as disappointed as I was last week. Although I did not go on a date, I was still blessed with a realization about myself: I am too hard on Me.  Disappointment is a part of life, I know I have had my fair share of being disappointed by others and I am sure I have disappointed people as well. I cannot think of a time I have ever been disappointed by someone else where I was as hard on them as I was on myself last week.  Life happens, things come up, time slips by and sometimes, you have to reschedule a date.  I finally had to remind myself, if last weeks date was cancelled by someone else, because they had something for work, I would have been disappointed about missing the date but not disappointed in them. And I would have understood.  I am the least understanding person I have in my corner (read it slowly, it will make sense. Promise.)

So, on to why it took me so long for this entry. I had to wrap my mind around giving myself permission to slip up. Could I have had an earlier date? Yes. Could I have figured something out in Atlanta? Yes? Will life go on even though I didn't? Yes. That week is over now and I will not get it back, but it was a productive week and I got to see a large number of people that I care about deeply all in one place.  I learned a lot and that weekend will help me to become a slightly better advocate. Plus, I have 48 weeks left to make up for the disappointment in Atlanta.

Until next time dear friend,

Be Blessed.

~LT

(Date 3)(Jan 12-18)(Zip Lining)

Good afternoon my friends!

Before I tell you about my date, let me just tell you how EXCITED I was to go on the date. I am so afraid of heights that I once stood in the doorway of the elevator on the Vulcan and cried as a little old lady held my hand and tried to tell me that I was going to be ok. So going zip lining was a HUGE leap for me. Not only was I going to do zip lining for the first time, that also meant I was going to have to get up high!

But let's rewind for a moment because I skipped past some really good parts.

I pulled up to the entrance of Red Mountain Park and noticed two women hop out of their car and go bouncing towards the trial. It was thirty-two degrees outside and I was nervous and alone so I did not bounce anywhere.  Before reaching the point where I meet my guides, there is a half mile hike up and around the mountain. Beautiful....but we'll get back to that.

I love Stephen King. I do not mean I love him in the same "I-love-Johnny-Depp-so-much-that-I-would-move-to-Paris-and-eat-frog-legs" love. But I can read anything, I mean anything that man writes. I practically have. I share that because I thought of Mr. King as I slowly (and then quickly) made my trek through the forest that has grown atop Red Mountain. I'm thinking, 'I usually talk about the stupid women on shows like Law & Order who walk on a trail all alone and then become the homicide the detectives are trying to solve.' "Well, maybe there are camera's strategically placed in some of the trees" I thought out loud to no one. Then I looked around...nope...not one camera.  It's funny how the 'intelligent' decisions you made just seven short minutes ago can seem so stupid once you are living the moment; like, leaving your cell phone in the car so you don't drop it while your zipping through the air "/

In the instructions you receive before arriving at the mountain you are told there is a ten minute hike before you reach the station where you will meet your guide. When I read 'hike', I read walk. When they said 'hike', they meant HIKE. After I thoroughly freaked myself out and convinced myself that the next Stephen King novel was going to be based on my disappearance, I spotted the guidepost. I was so happy I almost sprinted the rest of the way there. 

                                                                       Almost. 

I make it there and I am greeted by Mike, who let's me know I am the first to arrive. No problem, I took a seat in one of the chairs seated outside the post and that is the first time I really get to enjoy my surroundings. 

I don't think I ever truly took notice of it before but, Mother Nature is very beautiful. The tall trees, providing shade even while they stand bare in the winter air. The squirrels chasing each other across the dried, brown leaves. Woodpeckers....well, doing whatever it is that woodpeckers do when they are rapidly pecking their beak into the truck of a tree. I sat back, closed my eyes and just drank in the sun on my face and the nature surrounding me.

About ten minutes pass when Mike comes out to let me know that it's just going to be me with the guides on the course today. That was the first time I knew my Father was with me today, He knew I was going to need a lot of extra attention tackling my fear of heights and the last thing I needed was a group trying to rush me along.

The second time I knew my Father was arranging things for me today was when I met my guides. My two guides were Hannah and Christopher and they were GREAT! Not only were they funny and personable, but they were also patient and very clear in their instructions. I needed all four of those things if my first zip lining experience was going to be a good one. There were a few times that Christopher scared the bejeezus out of me but that actually made the experience more fun. I zipped across about six or seven lines, walked across a tightrope and repelled down a tree. All in all, it was a VERY exciting morning, and my favorite me date yet. I will definitely be back. And soon.

The second walk on the hiking trail, back to my car, was a very different one. I took my time walking. I took the time to enjoy the creatures just living their life around me. I took in all of the trees, rocks, grass and leaves and the took the time to just be with my thoughts. And I came up with the most important part of this journey; what I have realized about myself:

I like hiking,

I like being surrounded by the sounds of nature,

I would like hiking more if I were in better shape so my lungs didn't burn,

I enjoy zip lining,

I like the sound the fallen winter leaves make when I am walking on them,

I can face my fears without being pushed,

I am still afraid of heights,

and most important,

that is ok :-)

Yes, although I enjoyed the time I had today, at each tree house post, before I pushed off, my legs turned to jell-o, my stomach turned, I thought I was going to throw up and I had a small voice in my head saying 'ok, you can NOT do this one!' I am still afraid of heights, but I am ok with that. The point of the 52 dates is not to eliminate my fears, it isn't even really to face my fears. The point is to find me, get to know me and enjoy the time I can spend in my own company.

Mission accomplished today.

Until next time,

Be blessed.

~LTa

(Date 2)(Jan 5-11)(Dinner, Music & Comedy)

Tonight's date almost didn't happen. I really, really wanted to just put on some comfortable, ugly PJ's, curl up on the couch and find something on Netflix to entertain me until I fell asleep.  But that very wise voice that lives in my head yelled "THAT IS THE POINT OF THE ME DATES! STOP BEING A HERMIT AND GET DRESSED!"

I decided I would be obedient?consistent and get dressed.  My daughters helped me pick out the perfect dress, jewelry and shoes, then I was on my way.  As elegantly slow as possible (I had on heels) I walked up to the conference center where the masquerade ball for my church was being held.  Everything was beautiful: the venue, the people, the decor and I came to my first realization for the night.  One of the reasons I try so painfully hard to stay at home when there is plenty to do in the city is because I have a hard time believing I am 'ready' when I look in the mirror.  I don't know if that is just part of being a woman (always wanting to fix 'one last thing') or if it's a self-esteem problem that I need to address on my journey.  Either way, as I walk into the center I automatically do not feel like I am dressed appropriately.  In my defense, I have never been to a masquerade ball, but I did at least know better than to dress in pants and a t-shirt.  I wore a floor-length dress with peep-toe black heels and my hair pulled up and back in that 'its-evening-and-time-to-go-out' style, but these men and women....well, they were sharp.

I digress.

I found my way to a table and immediately came to realization number two: I do not care for (I believe they are called) variety bands. You know, those bands you pay to come sing a host of other entertainers songs? Yeah, that's not my cup of tea. I like live music, I love singers who can SANG, but too loud, not really good, mediocre singers, messing up a song made a hit by someone else? Not my thing.  As I sat there listening to this young lady murdering "Killing Me Softly" I realized although I like live music, there are a host of other things I like more.

Like comedy...

Next on the stage is Marcus D. Wiley and he is funny. Of course here comes my third and final realization for the night...I like FUNNY comedians. I know you just scrunched your face up in confusion because everyone likes funny comedians, right? No, I mean I like FUNNY comedians.  I am not referring to the people that make you chuckle here and there or have you laughing because you trust what they just said was supposed to be a joke. When I say I like FUNNY comedian's I mean comedian's so funny that even if you are in a bad mood, you have no choice but to laugh at them. I laughed and laughed and laughed tonight and it was so good!

Sadly, because of the fast, I did not eat the dinner, but I conversed with some of the people around me and trust that it was great. I don't even feel bad about not having dinner, I had learned three things about me and I had laughed until my cheeks burned.  Pretty good night in my book.

I don't know where next week is going to take me dear friends, but I hope you will go with me.  Until next time.

Be blessed.

~LT

http://weheartit.com/entry/19545937

(Date 1)(Jan.1-4)(Starbucks)

Good day dear friends,

With this first week not being a full week I decided to take it slow on my first date.  I visited the Starbucks in Five Points South to treat myself to a nice hot beverage before I start my fast.

I parked about a block away and slowly walked to the cafe'.  I emphasize slowly because I am usually doing everything fast.  I walk fast, I eat fast, I talk fast because my calendar always has more things scheduled than the day has hours. But on my 'date' I took...my...time. And you know what? It didn't feel weird, I didn't feel strange, I was happy to have the time. I looked in the shop windows and enjoyed the sun finally coming out.

Once I walked inside, believe it or not, I was stuck.  When I woke up it was 19 degrees outside.  My typical drink at Starbucks is a double chocolate chip caramel frappuccino with a shot of espresso (yes, I know I have a problem); it was way too cold outside for that, but I never ordered a hot drink from Starbucks before.  As I stood there looking as lost as a deer in several headlights, a very helpful barista (I think I overheard the manager call him Duncan) asked me what I normally drink. Based on my typical drink Duncan suggested I try the white chocolate mocha. Heaven!

I must admit, initially I felt bad for leaving my daughters at home while I sat in Starbucks, slowly sipping my tall white chocolate mocha, people watching and reading the New York Times.  However, I reminded myself that first, I am doing this for them as much as I am doing it for myself.  Both of my daughters are old enough to recognize (and verbalize) that I have no life.  They need to see that I take little opportunities here and there to decompress and just enjoy myself.  As they get older I want them to see that being alone is not a curse or a reason to stay locked up inside like a hermit. More importantly, I hope they will take the opportunity to spend some alone time in their own space; to get to know who they are without believing  they must be hitched to a man or in a relationship in order to be interesting or interested in life.  Second, as soon as I get home they get my undivided attention and I clock back in as chef, chauffeur, atm, nurse, maid, plumber, exterminator, teacher, tutor, entertainer, so I can afford this time to myself.

I took my seat and for a moment I just sat there, staring at the empty brown leather seat across from me and I wondered, 'what am supposed to do now'? I 'checked in' on Facebook with my phone and then remembered, 'if I were on a real date, I would not have my phone out.' I put the phone in my purse and began people watching. Five Points South is a beautiful place to people watch and I learned that I get a kick out of doing it. I saw an old couple holding hands, two young ladies having a very animated conversation, some college guys skyping and a family who looked like they were touring downtown.

The best part about my 'me' date is that I was relaxed.  I didn't have the girls asking me 'what are we waiting for, my drink it all gone.' I didn't have to force a conversation with anyone and I didn't have to squint to look at my phone. I just sat and enjoyed the slow, quiet presence of myself.  I enjoyed my sweet, hot mocha and I smiled at about a dozen strangers.

I enjoyed my first date with myself and I am looking forward to the next 51.

Until next time my friends,

Be blessed.

~LT

Happy New Year!

I pray your new year's eve and new year celebration was safe, fun and everything you intended for it to be.  I know there are typically groups of people who think "NEW YEAR, NEW ME" and then there are groups of people who roll their eyes at all of the aforementioned people.  Well, I am not screaming new year, new me, but I am not rolling my eyes at it either.  I am most likely going to be the same ole me, just an updated version ;-)  I pray that your 2014 journey takes you down the same path.  There is no reason for a 'new' you.  YOU are exactly who you need to be, there may just be a few tweeks that you have to make here and there.  I wish you all the luck in the world with making those tweeks.

My first post about my me dates is in a week and I am dealing with a mixture of excitement, nerves and anxiety.  I have a tendency to let life takeover and give me permission to neglect myself.  I am hoping I can snap out of that this year and remember I need to take care of and get to know me.  I am looking forward to this, though at one point I thought "Why didn't I commit to one date a MONTH?!" The truth is, if I were in a relationship and getting to know someone that I really loved, once a month would not be enough.  Well, i really love me and I really want to get to know myself better. Once a week it is.

I know I said before that my first date would take place at the bar/club/lounge on the roof of the hotel located near my apartment building. O_O  What was I thinking and why did you let me make that false assertion?! lol  I have decided that's likely not the best idea.  I am going to start out slow. Though I know where my first date will be, I don't want to reveal just yet.  It is nothing big and elaborate, but it is what I think would be a fitting first date whether I was going on my me date or a conventional date.

Until next week,

Be blessed.